Pilgrim Living: Gospel-centered Marriages

                      Pilgrim Living in a Fallen World: Gospel-Centered Marriages

I Peter 3:1-7

Introduction: Dr. Edmund Clowney said, “Marriage is not a sacrament conveying divine grace, but it is the human relationship that God has designed to mirror the love of Christ for the church, and of the church for Christ.”  Remember the context in this letter: I Pet 2:9-12 talked about our lives as “pilgrims” and our calling to be a witness to the world.  Do we “…live such good lives among the pagans…” that God is glorified?  Submission to authority is an aspect of pilgrim-living in a fallen world. Peter has talked about government and the workplace, and how our respect for authority is an aspect of our witness to the Gospel. Here he talks about how our life of faith can impact our family, starting with our spouse.

        With all the uncertainties of living in a fallen world, we can influence our spouse, our children, and others in our sphere of influence toward coming to the truth, and one way we do that is the example we set in our marriage relationship.  We speak the truth in love, and we flesh it out in our living. One aspect of a “pilgrim family,” is a husband and wife that realize that God created the family, and that His design for the family is best, no matter what culture is saying at the moment. This is a critical application of Paul’s words to the Romans 12:1,2, “…do not be conformed to the world…”, or as one paraphrase puts it, “don’t let the world force you into it’s mold…”! God has designed the marriage relationship so that the man and the woman complement one another, they complete each other. And a Christian couple should recognize God’s plan and long to walk in it. As we do, by living in a devoted, sacrificial relationship with our spouse, we bear witness to God’s grace in Christ.

The BIG* Idea: Our relationship with our spouse illustrates our love for God (and His love for us!) and is a witness to our spouse, to our children, and to the world.

I. The Power of a Faithful life: Our life is a testimony to our spouse of our faith in God, and biblical submission can win an unsaved spouse to faith in Christ (3:1-2).

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives-  ²when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 

        “Likewise…” This reminds us that we need to read and understand Peter’s exhortation here in its context in the letter.  Back in 1 Peter 2:11-13 we read,

Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.  Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution…

That is the context. Is the gospel and God’s mission more important than your “rights”? He says we need to recognize and respect the authorities that God has allowed in our lives. As we do so, our conduct is key to our witness! Then in 2:15-18 he begins to get more specific,   

¹⁵ For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people.  ¹⁶ Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.  ¹⁷ Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.  ¹⁸Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust.

We are to live as God’s servants, so we respect government and we follow our boss’s directions at work, even when we don’t always agree.  That respect can potentially garner the attention of the world, and it bears witness to the gospel of grace. Then in 3:1 he says, “…[likewise] wives, be subject to your own husbands…”  This entire context is talking about a servant attitude, guided by love, respecting the authorities that God has established, but above all, “living as servants of God” (2:16), guiding our conduct in the world.  In 3:7 he says, “Likewise, husbands...” So, Peter is talking about our mutual responsibilities in the family and the power of our witness, to an unsaved spouse, to our children, and to the world.  Jesus himself is the ultimate example. Peter just lifted up the Gospel and the message of the cross as an example of selfless service. It is the attitude Paul spoke of to the Philippians when he said, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.” 

       The motivation here for a believing woman is to win her husband to faith: “…so that even if some do not obey the word they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives…”  There were apparently some women who had come to faith, and either their husbands had not yet been saved, or if they had, they were not walking with the Lord. The husbands had heard the gospel. How do we know that?  “…they do not obey the word…” That means they heard the Word, they knew the truth, but they were not walking in obedience to the truth. They didn’t believe. Even in such a case Peter says, the wife respects the position of leadership in the family that God has established. So, he says…

       Be subject to your own husband – This passage is specifically referring to “…your own husband.” That makes it clear that that it is the husband/wife relationship, the family, to which Peter is referring. Gender roles in society or even in the church is not the point here. The husband is to lead the family, and the believing wife supports his leadership. It doesn’t mean that couples don’t talk through their decisions together! It means that God has established an order, and delegated to the husband the responsibility to lead. She respects that and follows his leadership.

       What about the husband that “does not obey the word”? This doesn’t imply that the wife follows the husband into sin.  But neither does she incessantly preach at her husband. She loves him, she respects him as the head of the family, and her “respectful and pure conduct” can be used by God to “win him without a word.”  That “respectful and pure conduct” is not only seen daily by her husband, but it is also teaching the children, by example, God’s design for the family. And, as she entrusts herself to God, she shows her extended family and friends that she believes God is real and His way is best. That is faith, believing God, taking Him at His Word.  In the marriage, that attitude should characterize believing wives and husbands. The gospel, and God’s mission, take precedence over my “rights.” And 3:7 will show that it is mutual. So, our relationship with our spouse illustrates our love for God and is a witness to our spouse, to our children, and to the world.

II.  The Beauty of a faithful heart: Christian relationships must not be based on the superficial, but on a heart of faith (3-6).

³ Do not let your adorning be external- the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing- ⁴but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 

Peter goes on to give more teaching about what this beautiful example really looks like. First of all, the negative: “Do not let your adorning be [merely] external…”

        What does true beauty look like (3,4)? This is not saying that women shouldn’t do their hair or wear jewelry. Look at the next phrase, “or the putting on of clothing…” If it meant that they shouldn’t braid their hair or wear jewelry, then it must also mean they shouldn’t put on clothing, it can’t mean that! The point is that the world certainly has it’s own ideas of “beauty” and we can get caught up in that. We sometimes struggle with our self-image because of what culture is telling us is “beautiful.” “Beauty,” as the world defines it, is fleeting.  External “beauty” is truly only skin deep. Rather than the merely external, Peter urges, “…let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart…” God looks on the heart, and Peter is saying that is where true, lasting beauty, begins.

       “…with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…” A gentle and quiet spirit, respectful submission to her husband in the role that God has given him to lead the family, is a kind of beauty that will never diminish, it never grows old, it doesn’t fade. In fact, it is a beauty “…which in God’s sight is very precious…” The word “precious” here is not very common in the Bible. It appears only two other times in the New Testament. In the Greek translation of the Old Testament, the Septuagint, it appears another dozen times or so. One of those is in Proverbs 31:10, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.” She is more precious than any treasure, her example is priceless to her husband and family, and is a witness to the world.

Examples of “inner beauty” have been revealed throughout history (5-6).

⁵ For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their husbands, ⁶as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

We can look to Scripture and learn from the examples, both positive and negative.

      1. First, notice that Peter refers to “…holy women who hoped in God…” They are described as “holy,” i.e. “set apart.”  Based on the context this was a holiness that could be seen, it was evident in their conduct. Peter has been talking about how our faith impacts our living.

     2. They were “…holy women who hoped in God…”  “Hope” does not imply pie in the sky wishful thinking that everything is going to somehow work out. This is biblical hope, a confidence about the future that is rooted in faith in God.

      3. “…submitting to their husbands as Sarah obeyed Abraham and called him lord…”  Sarah was a beautiful, strong woman, and she recognized God’s design for the family. She followed Abraham and affirmed his leadership. He surely made some big mistakes along the way. But she recognized God’s design for the family, and followed God as she followed her husband. God made men and women to be different. We are different not because of culture, we are different by design.  And as husbands are called to be loving, sacrificial leaders in their family, women are designed to complement the man that they marry, to fill in where he is weak, and to respect and follow him.

      4. “…if you do good, and do not fear…” They know God’s way is best, so they are not afraid of what people might think. So, we read in Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”  She knows God, even though the world is such a mess and there is so much danger and uncertainty that we face, if God is for us, who can stand against us? We have nothing to fear!

       Throughout this context, and here where we are talking about God’s design for the family, the Scripture is calling us to a counter-cultural lifestyle that flows out of a biblical worldview.  We look around us and see the direction godless thinking is taking our society, particularly in the area of human sexuality and the family. Not every family has the ideal, intact, family situation.  But all of us have a perfect example of a father. The Bible says: “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation” (Psalm 68:5).  God is the perfect Father.  Jesus is the bridegroom, and the church is His bride. We love Him and follow Him.  Our relationship with our spouse illustrates our love for God and is a witness to our spouse, to our children, and to the world.

III. The Blessing of honoring God’s Design for marriage: Rejoice in His grace, embrace your calling, and choose love (7).

       “Likewise, husbands, live according to knowledge with your wives…”

       “Likewise…”, i.e., “…in the same way…” The first word here is tying this exhortation for husbands into the previous context.  It’s the same word that began v.1, “Wives, like-wise…”  Both texts refer back to the foundation in 2:9-11. Peter is saying “Know who you are, and whose you are!” We have been chosen by God, who made us his own, so that we could proclaim the riches of his grace to the world.  So, we are different, we are pilgrims and exiles, looking forward to something better.  We are not home yet. So we conduct ourselves as pilgrims in a fallen world. And to his fellow pilgrims, Peter says, we submit ourselves to the delegated authorities, and likewise, men…

“…live according to knowledge with your wives…”

There is an ancient Greek saying, “Know thyself…” Peter is saying, “Know thy wife!” He is saying that the truth he has been talking about, the recognition of who God is, and who we are, how we fit into His story, including our role in the family, should guide our life. That includes our relationship with our wives.  As we do that, we also set an example that will impact our children. It has been said that the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love and cherish their mother. That sets an example for them, illustrating the Lord’s love for us and honoring God’s design for the family.  How? By “…showing honor to the woman, as the weaker vessel, and as joint heirs to the grace of life…” Look at one phrase at a time…

       “…showing honor to the woman…”  The word “honor” refers to something that is valued or treasured.  Husbands and wives, have chosen each other. If you know Christ, you are also chosen of God!  Mary Ann and I got a “vintage looking” marriage certificate on our honeymoon.  I remember that one line on it said, “…having chosen one another out of all the species…”  We are God’s, a “chosen people”!  As husbands cherish their wives, we reflect God’s love for the church.  Give honor to her.

       “…as to the weaker vessel…” What does that mean?  At one level this may be referring to simple, biological fact that men are naturally physically stronger than women.  Listen: men should never use their physical size or strength to intimidate a woman.  Any man who would hit a woman should be ashamed of himself. That cannot and should not be tolerated.  This passage goes far beyond the prohibition of physical abuse: he should “honor his wife.” I like the way the NLT puts it, “…She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life…”

       Could it be that Peter is referring to how we value something that is costly or precious, like fine China, or an expensive vase? It is “weak” in the sense that it is fragile, delicate. You take care of it, you keep it in a special place. You protect it. We don’t have a lot of expensive “tchotchkes” around the house that we have to worry about breaking (if we had any I managed to break them over the years!). We do have a couple of old plates that the owner of an antique shop gave us back in the late 80s or early 90s.  I think most of them were left behind (or broken!) in Brazil.  In Maine, we used to keep the ones that we have left in a plate holder on the wall.  They are still in a box. We need to protect our wives, watch out for them. Keep them safe.

       “…also as heirs with you of the grace of life…”  Listen, there is no question that God designed men and women to be different.  It’s not a choice, it is nature. The Bible teaches a complementarian view of gender: God has made us different, we complete one another, he has assigned different roles to men and women in the church, and to husbands and wives in the family.  But when it comes to spiritual standing before God, our position in Christ, Paul said in Galatians 3:28, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Here in I Peter 3:7 Peter uses a compound word, “joint-heirs,” implying unity, oneness. Heirs of what? “Joint-heirs of the grace of life.”  It seems certain, this is the “life,” eternal life, the life of the saved, that flows from God’s grace.  We, men and women, by grace through faith, are His children.  So, we treat each other with respect, recognizing that God has designed us to complement one another.  Together we long for God’s design for marriage and the family.  That is “counter-cultural,” and it’s a witness to our family and to the world.

Peter notes a consequence: “…so that your prayers may not be hindered…” The implication is if we don’t know and honor our wives as God says we should our prayers will be hindered. The connection between honoring your wife and your prayer life might not be immediately evident.  For some reason I have always read that in terms of the answers to my prayers, as though my relationship with my wife could become a direct impediment to God answering my prayers.  I don’t thing that is the point. What then?

       The idea is an impediment to some action or movement, some kind of obstacle that comes between a person and what he desires to do, or knows he should do.  How are your prayers “hindered”?  It’s not that God is delayed in answering us. Rather, if our relationship with our spouse is not what God designed it to be, we are hindered in asking, our prayer life suffers because we know we are not where we should be in one important aspect of our Christian life, specifically, in our relationship with our wife.  If we are not prayerless, we certainly “pray less” during those times.  Have you found that to be true?  Paul says in Eph 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Peter says “…you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together...” Our children will see that and learn from it.

What is God saying to me in this passage? Our relationship with our spouse illustrates our love for God and is a witness to our spouse, to our children, and to the world.

What would God have me to do in response to this passage?  In the next verse Peter draws a conclusion to this section of his letter, after calling the believers to recognize and submit to the delegated authorities God has established, after teaching about the complementary roles that God has established in marriage, he says, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind…” (v.8). We’ll look at that next week. That is surely an attitude that blesses our spouse, sets an example for our children, and is a witness to the world.  We’ll take a closer look at that next week, but this is a reminder that we are all part of the Missio Dei, the mission of God, and it starts at home, in our own household. These are the people God has placed in your life. And you are His witness. Your marriage is an important part of your witness. What do your closest friends and relatives see? Think about that!     AMEN.